Ace Parenting

might have told my husband just last night that I felt like I had it under control.  Because I did.  And also, because I’m an idiot who wanted to tempt the fates.
So…in all fairness, today happened.  I took my daughter to the doctor today for a tummy problem that won’t go away, and on the way the poor kid had an accident in her pants that soaked through to her shirt and winter coat.  We hustled in to the doctor’s office and spent ten minutes in a dimly lit bathroom stall and a whole pack of wet-wipes.  She emerged in a too-small swimsuit, Dad’s old track pants tied around her armpits with the legs folded up as high as possible (the only things I found in the back of the car) and her winter boots and hat.  Ace parenting, right there.
Aaaaand….turns out she doesn’t have any feeling in her colon.  Because she’s so backed-up.  Because she didn’t want to go to the bathroom at school.  And all she eats is applesauce and cheese.  Good grief.  Shame on me.   Get this, though.  She probably will regain feeling in her colon.  That makes me feel soooo great.
Also, if you were ever wondering what it looked like when Ramona squeezed all the toothpaste into the bathroom sink, or what her mother’s face looked like when she saw it, I know what both of those things look like now.  In a word, unpleasant.(No, I did not make my daughter put it in a plastic bag and use it for the next month.)
My daughter is going through an “independent” phase, you might say.  And the reality that no one really cares what she wants to do, right now, is pretty harsh.  Walking the long, cold, horrible two blocks back from picking her brother up at the bus stop just could not be done.  It was too cold.  Her legs were sooooo tired.  I said, she’d warm up if she walked up the hill.  “I WILL NOT WARM UP!”  Apparently laughing at this declaration was not the right reaction.  Ace Parenting of a different kind right there.
My oldest, the one with the three metal teeth, told me last night that one of his crowns hurts. A lot.  Great!  Something I can do nothing about.  I can’t even call the dentist because he waited until 5:04 pm to tell me.
These things are reminding me of other other Ace Parenting Moments.  (I want that to be a thing, now. )  There was the time we went to first day of swim lessons and I got a ticket for parking without a permit, we all got a sunburn, and the kids rode home in nothing but their birthday suits.  I didn’t even have towels to wrap them in.  They did not actually mind this, but I drove home super carefully so I wouldn’t have to be stopped and explain two naked children, hooting and shrieking in the back seat.
A few weeks into December, I had had it with my son’s imaginary creature, “Nagle” a Nag Creature.  If you do not know what a Nag Creature is, (no, it is not a parent, although I would like it more if it were,) well, there’s a growing number of first-graders who are bringing them back from extinction.  Supposedly, a Nag Creature has one body part from every animal on earth.  And 100 tongues.  I’ve always pictured them as sort of dragon-like beasts….but apparently they are actually more person shaped.  Whatever.  The important thing to know is that they have horrible voices and bad behavior and they like to sing rock songs.  Or lullabies.  And it is sort of like listening to Tom Waits imitate an opera soprano, but yelling.  And less nice.  So I had heard one too many “lullabies” and I told my kids I would kill Nagle with “this knife I just bought, right here, made of saws and sharp stuff!  Dead. DEAD!  You get it?  Nagle stops singing NOW or she DIES. GOT ME?”  Totally cool.
But Nagle did sleep “in her outside barn stable” that night.
It would take me forever to list all my Ace Parenting moments, so I’ll stop for now.  What about you?  Please tell me you have some of those moments, too.  Right?  Right?
self-applied face paint on a four-year-old
It’ll wash right off, rigiht?

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